Like many fanboys, I was a bit disappointed with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Sure, it was fun to see Harrison Ford back in action, a treat to see Bowie’s own Karen Allen again, and the stunts and effects were predictably swell. But as my pal Bill O’Leary observed, the film had no heart. The culprit was a convoluted mess of a script.

So, hoping to clear the pallet, I picked up a copy of Indiana Jones and the Philosopher’s Stone, a 1995 Lucas Books tie-in written (on instructions from Mr. Lucas, of course) by Max McCoy. The prologue finds Dr. Jones sweating in British Honduras of 1933, searching through the rain forest for the Lost City of Cozán. By page 12, he’s in an underground Sacred Well, surrounded by century-old skeletons and watching a shaft of light reveal his prey:

“Still holding his revolver, he ducked, letting the light pass over him, illuminating a skull of pure crystal set in an altar in a niche that would otherwise have remained hidden in shadows.”

Did you catch that? Yes, Indy was hunting a crystal skull. A skull made of crystal. With magical powers. And of course it is instantly stolen by a Nazi, who puts the item in a cloth sack and escapes into future chapters, which I have yet to read.

Much has been made of George Lucas‘ demand that the fourth Raiders film have a particular “MacGuffin,” which we now know was the crystal skull. But it was exactly that element that doomed the movie with incoherent sci-fi/metaphysical gibberish.

I don’t know if Lucas stuck his MacGuffin here out of frustration over the lengthy process of creating the fourth film, but the 1995 book proved prophetic. The prologue ends with Indy asking his Alfred Molina-esque sidekick Barnabé, “Tell me truly. What is the curse of the Crystal Skull?”

“Don’t you know, boss?” Barnabé asked. “You will kill what you love.”

True. First, those midi-chlorians ruined Star Wars, Now, Lucas has mucked up Indiana Jones.

It must also be noted that both Crystal Skull and Philosopher’s Stone share more than a passing resemblance to the 1917 Tom Swift book, Tom Swift in the Land of Wonders. That story finds the boy inventor traipsing through, why, Honduras, to the “lost city of Kurzon.” True, Tom is searching for a golden idol, not a crystal one, but this excerpt could easily work as a Raiders treatment:

Undoubtedly it was the chief temple, or place of worship, of the long-dead race which the explorers now entered. It was a building beautiful in its barbaric style, and yet simple. There were massive walls, and a great inner court, at the end of which seemed to be some sort of altar. And then, as they lighted fresh torches, and pressed forward with them and their electric lights, they saw that which caused a cry of satisfaction to burst from all of them.

“The idol of gold!”

Yes, there it squatted, an ugly, misshapen, figure, a cross between a toad and a gila monster, half man, half beast, with big red eyes — rubies probably — that gleamed in the repulsive golden face. And the whole figure, weighing many pounds, seemed to be of solid gold!

Eagerly the others followed Professor Bumper up the altar steps to the very throne of the golden idol. The scientist touched it, tried to raise it and make sure of its solidity and material.

“This is it!” he cried. “It is the idol of gold! I have found — We have found it, for it belongs to all of us!”

I’m hoping Indiana Jones and the Philosopher’s Stone turns out better than the film. I still wanna believe in Indy—and in the Force. But I’m starting to think that perhaps Howard the Duck was no accident.

UPDATE: I heard from author Max McCoy, who says that the crystal skull idea was his alone, as was the plot. “I wasn’t writing to any script or idea that was given to me — part of the deal is that I would be able to come up with my own adventures,” he e-mails. “I had also been long fascinated by crystal skulls, especially the Mitchell-Hedges skull.” Consider us now also fascinated by crystal skulls. Woah.

McCoy is a fan of the “dark and brooding Indy” of Raiders of the Lost Ark, and so set his novels in the years prior that 1936 adventure. “I have long believed that an Indy adventure would not work after World War II. Indy belongs to the 1930s,” he says. I agree. Similarly, the only way to make a proper James Bond movie today is as a period piece. Which the French did to brilliant effect with OSS 117: Cairo—Nest of Spies. And here’s a great mashup retrofitting Raiders as a ’30s serial.

So apologies to Mr. McCoy for impugning his originality. I assumed that he was like many contract writers, especially those who cranked out Tom Swift and Hardy Boy books for the Stratemeyer Syndicate. Here’s an MP3 recording of the NPR story I did on the Hardys and ol’ man Stratemeyer.

I was fortunate to sit in on the Silverdocs seminar, “Distribution Now: Strategic Thinking for the Feature Doc.” The event was moderated by Liz Ogilvie of Docurama Films and the featured panelists were Steven Beer (Greenberg Traurig, LLC), Jim Browne (Argot Pictures), Ira Deutchman (Emerging Pictures), Sandi DuBowski (Trembling Before G-D), and Julie Goldman (Cactus Three).

As is often the case with industry confabs, the event was both inspiring and dispiriting. Steven Beer led off with the cheery news that the documentary marketplace is “no longer robust,” adding that fear rules the marketplace. He took a direct, if polite, swipe at moderator Ogilvie’s Docurama as an example of a company hobbled by too-conservative acquisition choices. Everyone is looking for “guaranteed home runs,” he suggested, and are less concerned about “bold” films getting to market.

Deutchman concurred, saying that the “so-called documentary boom is a myth,” born of the fact that technology has allowed more people to make more movies. Which is a good thing on the whole, though the results clearly reveal that everyone is not a documentary filmmaker. Deutchman likened the situation to that of the Internet and real estate bubbles.

Deutchman listed the niches that traditionally do well: spiritual films, films with Jewish- or gay-related content. Also popular: triumphs over adversity, cute animals, and star-driven vehicles. So my film about a Jewish penguin searching for its lost gay father in the Gobi desert (narrated by Morgan Freeman) is a lock for Oscar gold!

What the public does not care for at all are any more Iraq docs.

The other painful insight came from the ever-enthusiastic DuBowski, who noted that “the era of just attending a movie is over.” The theatrical market is “screwed up,” said Deutchman, and picking up on DuBowski’s “event” point, noted that with more big screen TVs and home theaters, there is less reason to go out. Movies are too expensive, in fact the most expensive/least convenient entertainment option. It has to cost less to go to the movies than to buy a DVD, he argued. Yet Deutchman also noted that most people want to watch a documentary on TV.

So the new distribution strategy is “all about what you can do that’s analog.” That is, bringing people together and offering them something that they can’t get from the Internet.” Loyal audiences love community. To that end, Browne mentioned the film Note By Note: The Making of Steinway L1037. The piano company agreed to support the film by putting the namesake product on “tour,” trucking it to screenings and hiring Steinway artists to play it at shows.

Deutchman also mentioned a doc about Cubs player Ron Santo, noting that while filling a special, small niche it nonetheless had a $500,000 theatrical run in the Chicago area and sold 85,000 DVDs direct via the Net.

DuBowski offered the three pillars by which he operates: Create Impact, Create Career, Make Money. A judge at the fest, DuBowski arrived a bit late and almost immediately passed out postcards advertising his next film, A Jihad for Love. “This is how we get people involved,” he said. “The middle disappears.” DuBowski’s idea is to turn cinema into a town hall experience, “turn the movie into a movement,” creating “evenings” with activists and other organizations simpatico with the film’s subject. To that end, he looks for a partner rather than a distributor. And do not give away exclusive DVD rights, he cautioned.

We’re in the “era of filmanthropy,” he said, mentioning the Council of Foundations, which offers four film festivals and is a source for some of those supposedly loose dollars. Also mentioned was the Creative Capital Foundation.

Goldman concurred that a theatrical release is not the “golden ring.” Sending films on a college campus tour is a viable option. DuBowski agreed, saying, “We can become entrepreneurs.” He pointed out that speakers bureaus now have filmmaker clients and a university tour can put money in the pocket. Not getting into Sundance is “not the end of the world,” said Beer.

Deutchman said filmmakers must have a “festival strategy.” Is your goal distribution? Press coverage? Find those festivals that can best meet specific goals. That said, it’s harder to get buyers to festivals. “Send a screener,” they say. Beer stressed the need to hire a publicist and to save money for post-production. He also claimed there is validity in being a big fish in a small pond (festival), which can help build a presence in the marketplace.

Goldman said that it is possible to charge festivals for screening your work.

An audience member asked if New York City was still the place to screen your film. The consensus of the New York-based panel was yes. There are so many critics, so many opportunities for press and a NYC run offers the “feel” of a proper release.

On day-and-date theater/DVD releases, the panel approved. “You want people to see your movie,” said Beer. Release dates are not something people care about and the D&D practice will likely continue. “Give consumers choice,” said Deutchman.

Finally, a producer in the audience asked if a sad ending will affect a film’s chances. “Depends on how depressing it is,” said Deutchman. If there is an emotional release, audiences will embrace the film.

This week’s “Laugh to Keep From Crying” comedy features Cedric the Entertainer. The jokes start at 2:30 p.m. Monday-Friday and you may listen on WPFW.

I can tell you now that next week will feature George Carlin. Man, I miss him already.