Ted Headman's Christmas
Chapter Six: The Humiliation
Copyright © Over Productions. All Rights Reserved.Mr. and Mrs. Headman, Deacon Witherspoon and the Elders were already seated around the dinner table and engaged in a deep theological discussion when Ted appeared.
Disheveled, unshaven, and freshly bruised, he was clad only in a soiled bath towel, though there was absolutely no evidence that he had washed. He waved a newly-opened malt liquor can in greeting and took his seat between Deacon Witherspoon and the Deacon’s wife, Sarah.
"Wha’s happ’nin?" quipped Ted, as he eyed the ample bosom of the woman of the Church. "Hey, if I’d know’d there was gonna be any chicks here, I woulda put on some pants."
Sarah Witherspoon gasped, the only sound to break the silence that gripped the table.
"Then again," continued Ted with a misconceived leer, "with any luck, maybe I won’t need 'em."
Decaon Witherspoon, never a well man, began to hyperventilate in anger over this affront to his wife.
"Of all the — !" he sputtered.
"Ted, have you no shame!" interjected Mrs. Headman, her complexion ashen.
"Rebecca, my staff!" cried Mr. Headman.
Ted rose to his feet. "Hey, cool your tool, Jake. It’s Christmas. Let’s eat."
The mention of this most Holy of days seemed to soothe the feelings of the assembly. Mrs. Headman nervously took Ted’s cue and turned to the Deacon.
"Will you honor us by saying the Blessing, Deacon?"
The good man cleared his throat and stood up. At the instant he opened his mouth to deliver a specially prepared Yule Prayer, Ted decided to release a loud blast of flatulence so noxious, so foul, so utterly and completely offensive, that the three persons nearest him fell immediately to their knees, gasping and choking for air.
"Hey gross!" quipped Ted with a smirk. "Who farted?"
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